Don't do it.

NaNoWriMo starts in less than a week! I'll assume most of you are taking part, as it's a great way for new novelists and writers in general to break into the world of writing. That being the case, I've developed a very... unique idea for a blog.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

How Not to Write A Novel, in Six Steps 

        1. Do something else

The first step to not getting a novel written? Simple. Go do something else. Anything else.

If you're doing something else, you definitely won't be writing. So go watch a movie, go to work, call your mother and find out all the thing's you've missed since you moved out, obsessively monitor the score of that game, and above all, make sure you're never in an environment where you might feel drawn to writing.

        2. If you must write, stick with short stories and incomplete ideas

I suppose I can't expect you to give up writing cold turkey (though cold turkey does make a delicious sandwich, especially when it's leftover from Thanksgiving).

So if you simply have to write, I have to insist that you only write short things. A poem here or there, a partial short story, or an idea that you never want to fully flesh out. That's all you're allowed to write, because if you write more than that, you'll be locked into the trap of writing an actual novel.

        3. Watch lots of television

If there's one thing I know that will always prevent us from writing, it's television--so I've made it a point of its own.

Watch that movie you've been meaning to see. Start a new show on Netflix, and binge watch every episode they have online--then go find out more about it on Wikipedia or IMDB, just as long as none of it gives you any ideas and gets you right back to this silly idea of writing a novel.

        4. Never plan out your days or weeks

Planning out your schedule will only leave you time and space for writing, so don't allow it.

Everything needs to be haphazard, or there's more chance that you'll be able to sit down and get to work on that novel. If you're indeed serious about not writing it, then you must be certain to fill your life with more stressful things and too many tasks that simply must be completed.

Do not allow yourself to have free time in which to write. If you find yourself with some of that free time, refer back to point #3.

        5. Put no effort into writing

Again, this is only if you find that you simply must spend time writing.

If you're unable to resist, then at least ensure that your heart is not in your work. Write things that don't interest you, spend as little time as possible doing it, and above all, do not allow yourself to spend much time thinking about it. More thinking equates to more ideas equates to more time spent writing--which is the very thing we're trying to avoid.

        6. Be incredibly social, to the point that you never have enough time for your thoughts to develop into full-fledged story ideas

Last but not least, this is incredibly important if you're set on not writing a novel. The more time you spend with real live people, the less time you'll want to spend with the people in your head. Do it enough and the voices will begin to fade, and all those once brilliant ideas will turn to stagnant puddles you'd never touch again with a ten foot pole.


Of course, if your ultimate goal is in fact to write a novel, say, for NaNoWriMo, then I suggest doing the exact opposite of the items listed above.

[wink wink]

{RD}